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29 June 2008 @ 05:43 pm
I'm Tired of These Thoughts Yet I Can't Stop Thinking Them...  
My parents are 5'1" (Mom) and 5'4" (Dad). My mother was 98 pounds when she got married; she weighs about 135/140 now, but she's 55 and had three children between 24 and 36. My father was pretty fit as a young man, but, within a year of graduating from high school, had started putting on weight because he was working and not playing sports as much. Now, at 55, he's at least 250, if not 275 with a size 42 waist. His mother and his sisters are pear-shaped, smaller on top and quite round on bottom. I look like my dad. I am 5'4" like my dad. I have inherited that same smaller on top, but round on bottom. Joyous.

When I was 13, I was a size 7 (I remember this! It was 1990). I remember my mom telling me that I needed to lose the baby fat, which, if you look at pictures of me, you would think, 'What baby fat?'. By 18, I was 170 and a size 13/14. During college, thanks to constantly walking everywhere plus walking for exercise plus smoking and the paltry amount of food I got to eat while living on campus, I got down to 140 and was a size 10. I probably could have been an 8 if I had tried working out more. Since graduation in 1999, at my nonpregnant heaviest I was 185, my smallest 155. I am now 31 years old. I gained about 35 pounds with Jackson, getting up to between 205 and 210 (I think). Lost it all the first month and got down to 170, my prepregnancy weight. I listened to Jackson's pediatrician who said that I needed to eat a fattier diet so he would gain weight from my breastmilk, which I have since found was erroneous advice and I regret listening to her, and gained 15 pounds, back to 185. When I started South Beach in mid-April, I was 184. My lowest weight has been 177.8. I hover between 178 and 180 and am a pretty solid size 14.

I cannot seem to lost any more weight. I am trying very hard to stick to the guidelines that South Beach sets forth. We have no white rice, white potatoes, or white flour in our diets at the moment. I don't eat fast food, except Chick-Fil-A. I don't eat fries. I don't drink soda. I don't drink sweet tea except maybe once or twice a week. I try to drink or eat sugar-free items like pudding, chocolate milk mix, candy, etc. My only non-South Beach meal is breakfast because I do eat cereals other than those they recommend, but usually they're whole grain cereals like Cheerios. I do have a weakness for chocolate and brown sugar (don't ask) and try very, very hard to limit both. I am also trying to limit starches as the South Beach books recommend. I don't drink alcohol. I am not good every day of the week, but I do try to limit my boo-boos to maybe twice a week. My husband has lost 10-15 pounds; I have lost maybe 7 total. In 8 weeks. So what am I doing wrong?

I am trying a new exercise thing now. We own a treadmill and, while that's not the same as running outside, it's the best I can do considering I'm home all day with the kid (and it's frickin' summer in Alabama) and can't get up too much earlier than I do to run while my husband is home. If I get better at the running, I may have to start running earlier in the mornings so I can get it in before the boy gets up. I am doing a Couch Potato to 5K plan where you run so many minutes so many days a week and up the total in increments over time. So far, I'm doing 25 minutes of running for 1 minute and walking briskly for 1.5 minutes. I like it! I do that MWF and try to do Tae Bo or something with weights TR. In addition to the running, I do ab exercises and lunges because I got tired of being unable to do lunges whenever Billy Blanks has us do them.

Yeah, yeah, I've lost 7 pounds in eight weeks; that's a pound a week, which is a good rate. However, the South Beach says you could lose 9-12 pounds the first two weeks, which I only lost 5. So that means since the end of April, I have lost two pounds. What the crap? My OB had my thyroid tested; my thyroid is functioning just fine. So now what? What am I doing wrong?

I am so tired of thinking about this; I have been worried about my weight for longer than I can remember. I bug Jamie with talking about it, I know I do. I am tired of thinking about it, of talking about it, but I can't get happy with myself the way I am. I can't fit into about 75% of my clothes still. I can't tell if I am still taking in too many calories or if I need to work out more. I can't join a gym b/c of the cost and the time. In addition to the running and the Tae Bo, I play tennis, but I don't get to play as much as I would like.

I just can't figure it out. Am I focusing on it too much and that's why it doesn't go? Am I still eating too much? Am I not exercising enough? I don't feel like this is the body I am meant to have. I feel smaller than I actually am. I know what my issues are; I like it when things taste good because it makes me feel good. I don't eat emotionally other than that. I still believe in eating something you like once or twice a week so you don't feel deprived. I am just tired of being this way. I am tired of feeling like I don't belong in this body.

(I apologize for dumping all of this on you guys. I know there is more I could say, but it would get repetitive so I figured stopping here would be good.)
Shayrookie131 on June 30th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
This may not apply to you at all... I eat because I like the taste of food and when I like it, I eat even when I'm not hungry. I saw some random doctor on TV once say that liking food is not a reason to overeat. He said that if you truly enjoy food, you should slow down and savor it. That definitely applies to me.
mrsmozartmrsmozart on June 30th, 2008 02:16 am (UTC)
No answers from me - I struggle too! At least you found a program that is working - look at the numbers! They are going in the right direction :) But I definitely know that feeling of not belonging in the body you have and the obsessions that come from that. *sigh* why is it so easy for so many people?
Good luck and congrats on your weight loss!!!!
Tina: victorianmysteena on June 30th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)
This is something I really struggle with too. For me, the only way I've ever been able to lose weight is to count every single calorie I put in my mouth. About three years ago, I lost 25 lbs (over the span of 6 months) by keeping a strict food diary. I also had appointments with a dietician, which I found very helpful. It was nice to have someone to account to, someone who I wanted to show how good I was doing. I know some people can find that sort of support through Weight Watchers, but I didn't like WW at all.

Just keep trying. I know it's hard, and I know you feel like it's coming off so slow, but it IS coming off. Imagine if you keep up this rate...by next year you could be 50 lbs lighter!
☜♥☞ Mama Kim ☜♥☞: BalancedDietkimaginethis on June 30th, 2008 04:00 am (UTC)
I think you are doing a great job losing weight! It takes a while to put on and it should take a while to take it off.

I like to eat just because food makes me happy. My biggest problem is that I eat FAST. Sometimes I get hiccups I eat so quickly, and that is pretty gross. Plus, I love to eat late at night, which is a bad idea by all accounts.

I think you are being wonderfully open about it -- most of us struggle with weight! Hang in there -- even slow progress is progress in the right direction!
Melicus officianus: me at arches 2005mellymell on June 30th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
I agree with keeping a food diary. A few months ago I kept a food diary for about 3 weeks while I was trying to get into a running/yoga routine. I was amazed at where calories came from and how much they added up. Just try to keep up with it for a few weeks and see what you come up with. Seeing a dietitian or nutritional consultant wouldn't be a bad idea either. They can look at what you're currently doing and show you what might help you to increase metabolism and such.

Another thing to consider is that you are doing some weight training in there with your cardio. It's possible you're in the process of putting on muscle at this point which in turn is going to help you to burn more fat and in the long run your weight numbers will come down. Getting a body composition test done may help you figure out what's really going on. Unfortunately weight alone doesn't always tell you everything that's going on. When I started doing the running/yoga stuff, my clothes were fitting better while I was actually gaining weight. I just learned not to listen to the scale so much.

Just keep it up. It's going to take months if not years to get it off. I mean, it didn't show up overnight, right? You're making the right kind of progress, just stick to it and don't get discouraged. I've been bad since we went to Hawaii/San Francisco and haven't done any working out and am paying for it now. Must get back on that horse! Must run Oktoberfest 5k!